Letter 11. Fuck North Idaho.

Sup, ho? I haven’t written here since 2012. It’s funny to see the things I wrote before. And the dudes I wrote about. Who the fuck is Samori? Apparently I knew him and liked him. I came into CDA today to get out of camp for the day. Trying to really not work when it is my day off. I had to call because I forgot to put the new menu in the kitchen and Dad sounded like he was about to lose his mind. Somewhat rightfully, somewhat not. That man needs to take care of himself. Honestly, I’m starting to really look forward to leaving this job.  I love to cook and feed people, but the bullshit at camp is getting to be too much.  I really am not getting the support I need.  I am a bit worried about how hard the kitchen will fall on it’s face when I leave.  But that is life.  Dad has to start asking for help, no, demanding it.  Because I won’t kill myself for this job anymore.  I can’t.  I have to take care of me.  Hard as that may be.  I have been thinking of taking a couple online classes this semester.  I’m debating on 1, 2, or 3.  Speech, Psych, and English.  I want to start working towards a degree because I think I would like to spend some time in the Peace Corps after the Camino and such.  I read a post today from a woman who did the Camino five times.  It was really nice and comforting.  I am looking forward to you coming here soon.  Hopefully, you will relax and not be such a big ball of stress when you get here.  I hope you start finding more ways to manage your stress while in nursing school and beyond.  Because I worry about you and you aren’t all that pleasant lately.  Your father just text me and asked me to pickup bandaids.  I asked if it could wait.  It is very hard to say no for me sometimes.  I felt guilty at first and now I feel really good about standing up for me on my day off.  Such a simple thing. But so hard.  I need to pee. And I think I am going to go down to Art on the Green and get something to eat.  So.  See you soon.  Don’t know if you still get notifications about this blog or not.  But best of luck.

Letter 10. Fucking fucks.

Let me start by telling you, Starbucks has the shittiest WiFi. Ever. The chai isn't bad, though. As we discussed, this post is long overdue. Funny how my last post was about how stupid it is to do something because it's "safe" and now I've been sticking in this boring relationship that is pretty safe. If it wasn't boring, I'd be cool with it. If he had returned my call today, or even sent a text, I MIGHT be cool with it. But noooo. Of course not. He responds/calls/answers/texts/whatthefuckever when it is convenient for him. Maybe he doesn't quite understand that being in a relationship means that you have to be there for the other person. Did I tell you about when we first started dating and he was supposed to come over and never showed? And then I didn't hear from him for days. When he did finally call, he acted like it was no big deal. On our first date, he was so excited and wanted to see me the next day. Now two days in a row seems like pulling fucking teeth. That's not the kind of person I want to be with. Please tell me, why is it so fucking hard to find someone who is attentive, but not obsessive? I met a nice Jamaican guy on the bus the other day. I was just sitting there and he was sitting across from me. He asked if I liked to read and when I told him I did, he gave me a book. No strings attached. Just a nice person. We talked the rest of the ride. He knew I had a boyfriend and was still super nice and friendly. To be fair, I didn't find him all that attractive, so I probably wouldn't have given him my number if I was single. It's not all Devon being lame, though. I have been a lazy, unmotivated bum. The gym has turned into a scary black hole that I never go to. I usually go to work, come home and watch Netflix. (Note that I am currently dressed to go to the gym and will head there after I'm done) I know that it takes two to tango, but even when I try to be fun and exciting, he leaves much to desire. His friend Jeremy is visiting and is more exciting than Devon. It's like he changed after the first week. Or he changed after I added him to FB. Fucking Facebook ruins shit. Well, not really. It just brings out a lot of people's truths. I HATE that he won't "approve" our relationship status on FB. If he wants to be with me, then what's the problem? I have to cut this off early. The baristas are making it very clear that they want me to leave. They close in 15. I'll say more later. Peace.

Letter 9. Safe.

No, not a safe like at the bank. Like being in relationships because it's safe. Staying in a place/job/whatever because it's safe. What a HORRIBLE word! Like being scared has been changed into the word safe. So it makes grown ass people feel better about the pathetic life they settle for.

I just don't know. Damn, yo.

Letter 8. Girls and Goddesses.

Oh dear brother. I have been compromising my goddess status lately. How you ask? By acting like a 16-year old girl. Being a total bitch. Listening to what my friends say to do even though it goes against what I want to do. I act like it's so rough. Dear god. My boss is about to get divorced. There are two people I work with that are married and struggling to pay rent. Julie is about to start radiation. But I have it bad? Maybe not so much....I guess everyone has to have the feeling sorry for yourself part before we can move onto the doing something with ourselves part. I keep going back to wanting to move to Brooklyn. I mean Paris would be cool, but I know I want to live in NY. I mean if I hate it, I'll come back. Just like with Jersey. I'm going to visit NY after we come back and look at some places to live and work. So I have an idea of what I'll be getting myself into. Oooooo. I'm doing zumba now. My boss teaches it now. I'll be doing it twice a week, and it's wayyyy fun. soo. That's it for now. I'm going to act like an adult and tell this boy next to me to ask for my number now. Love you.

Letter 7. Public Tables.

Man. I cannot seem to focus at home. I totally get why you always went to B&B to do homework. Sadly, if I go there, I might not to be able to focus either. So, I'm at Panera. All the good tables that you can kind of keep to yourself are taken. Sooooo. I'm sitting at a table in the middle of the room. I don't like my obtrusive, very public table. I feel like I should start playing offensive you tube videos for all to see. Or I could start playing music really loudly and maybe the people at the good tables would get up and leave. I'm thinking about asking this guy at this REALLY good table next to me if I can just scoot in, too. Maybe not.

Well, on to more pressing topics. OK. I'm not sure what's pressing at the current moment. Aside from the fact that I'm not really doing anything that will get me closer to my financial independence. Boo. I want to. I just am having a hard time deciding what route to take. Whatevs. I'll do that later. Maybe I can get a bunch of people to read my other blogs and then I'll get sponsors to pay me. Yes.That would work. I wonder how sponsors work...

Ok. I gotta go. Sorry for the rambling letter. You like it.

Bye bro.

Letter 6. Inner Bitchness.

Soooooo. I read this book called "Getting in Touch with your Inner Bitch". It was pretty effing awesome. But I was skeptical. How is being a bitch to someone going to make things work for you??? Well, somehow it worked. Well, sorta. In one case, no. In another...oh hell to the yes. First is with your bestie. You know. The one and only..James. Apparently, I am mean to him. He complains to the retail trainer about me. (Go me!) I felt bad about it for about ten minutes. Then figured, well, if he doesn't talk to me about it, not my prob. Plus, today he told me that my drink wasn't hot enough and blah blah. I told him that when I want advice from him on how to make a drink, I will let him know. I don't remember what he said after that, I just remember thinking, wow, this guy is an idiot. So the second way where it did work is that if you're mean to a guy almost to the point of being mean, he actually takes it so well he likes you more. Go figure. So yeah. I'm happy tonight, but very tired. It's mad late, yo. Oh. Maybe I should call you. That would be fun. Let me see if there is a phone downstairs. Nope . And I love you, but I'm not going upstairs. AnyWHO...I'm out like trout (James says that's a cool saying) So pretend I never said it. =) Nighty night homeboy.
Holla.

Yo sis. Yo.

Letter 5. Meh.

So this is a time when I wish I was in Europe with you. Yeah, European guys are jerks, too, but seriously. I'm fine if some guy doesn't want to talk to me, but if you say you like me, shit. You better not be full of shit. I have been pretty much cool about Samori not talking to me, but tonight after Nyccy left, I started acting like a girl. So, like a girl, not a grown ass woman, I text him the following. "Just out of curiosity, did I miss something? Or are you really just a jerk?" Yeah. And it's like midnight. I hope it wakes him up in his shitty apartment and he can't go back to sleep because of it. I'm kinda agitated. I'm deleting his number now. Ok. Done. Douche. I don't know why I really care so much. It's not like he's the only guy in the world. Plus, Onias asked for my number last night. Seriously, though. Fuckin shit.